Sexual Intimacy
Dr. Richard Shropshire - The Barnabas Connection
The mark of a good sexual partner has little to do with technique, positions, or even passion. A good sexual partner is a giver who focuses on the needs and pleasure of his or her partner.
The mark of a good sexual relationship is that of two givers, coming together for mutual pleasure, so focusing on the needs and pleasures of each other as to enter into an exercise of out-giving one another.
However, when a giver meets at taker the equation is sullied. The taker is focused only on his or her needs with the tool of manipulation being his or her mode of operation. It is impossible to respond positively to manipulation, and the giver is placed in a defensive position, unable to freely give.
"Whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will find it." (Mark 8:35)
Jesus was speaking to more than the issue of sexual relationships in this passage, but there is an application to that part of one's relationships.
"Saving one's life" refers to getting one's own needs met or fulfilling one's own agenda. The net result of that technique - usually through manipulation - is not acquiescence, but resistance; and the result of that resistance is "losing one's life" - not getting needs met.
However, when one "loses his life" - gives up all right to have personal needs met by another - the result becomes a desire on the part of the other partner to bless his or her mate - and that mate's needs get met: he "saves his life."
There is another component of this equation:
To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children; yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (Genesis 3:16)
The created nature of a woman is to be a responder. When a husband gives nothing to which to respond, or when what he gives is negative, she cannot become the giver that God intended. Her sexual "transmission" is placed in neutral, and she cannot positively or adequately respond to him. The dysfunctionality of any marital sexual problems must first be traced to a lack of the husband's sacrificial love and servant leadership. If he is not loving her and serving her as Christ loved and served the Church, she has little to which to respond. But the primary fault is his, not hers.
Important Note: If there has been abuse in the past history of the wife, sexual or otherwise, her ability to respond may be impaired. However, the husband still sets the climate of the relationship, and has the obligation and opportunity to minister healing to his wife through tenderness and gentleness.
"You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker (with tenderness and gentleness), since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered." (I Peter 3:7)
