Gender Differences
Dr. Richard Shropshire - The Barnabas Connection
One of the most significant causative factors in marital conflict comes from the fact that a marriage is made up of a man and a woman. The differences in the manner in which the two genders communicate and solve problems, the manner in which they seek to build intimacy, the disparate fears that impact on their thought processes - all of these and other differences can create stress and conflict between a husband and a wife.
When one looks back at the story of creation in the book of Genesis, one can see, that by virtue of the mode of Adam's creation, he was given an orientation toward task - he was created, placed in the Garden, and immediately given a job to do; and every man since Adam has had that same basic orientation. That orientation gives the husband the ability to set and focus on the accomplishment of goals, to compartmentalize activities and actions; but it may also cause him to have tunnel vision concerning other aspects of relationship.
Eve, while having no less responsibility for the stewardship of the Garden, was created with a emphasis on her partnership with Adam in the accomplishment of that stewardship; and by virtue of her mode of creation was given an orientation toward relationship, which is shared by every other woman born since. That orientation makes it more likely that wives will be better at relational and communication skills; but it may also make it more difficult for her to appreciate the single mindedness of her husband when he is "zoned" in on a problem and seems to shut her out.
This understanding of basic orientation differences does not relieve the male of the responsibility for stewardship of his marital relationship; but it does reveal that he will have to work harder at it than his wife. This does not relieve the female of the responsibility to set and achieve goals to accomplish tasks; but it does mean that she will likely have to expend a greater level of energy to do so.
Other differences include the following:
1. Males need admiration for what they do; females need to be cherished as a person.
2. Males build intimacy through shared activities; females build intimacy through shared emotional closeness.
3. Males use conversation to problem solve; females use conversation to build relationships.
4. Males use one side of their brain (but have larger numbers of brain cells than females;) females use both sides of their brains (but have fewer brain cells;) meaning that both male and female wind up using approximately the same number of brain cells in thought processes.
5. Males fear rejection; females fear abandonment.
6. Males seek autonomy ("without outside control;" "independent action;) females seek connectedness.
Looking at the last category:
When a problem arises and a solution must be found, the male responds typically by withdrawing from the problem in order to collect his thoughts, marshal his resources to arrive at a solution. When he is confident that he has a solution that will work, he comes back to the problem to apply the solution.
The female's typical response is to seek connectedness with her mate in order for the two of them to solve the problem together.
So he withdraws; she pursues. If he is not confident in his solution, fearing rejection, he withdraws further. She, fearing abandonment, pursues all the harder. And the couple gets in a kind of dance of withdrawal, pursuit, withdrawal, pursuit, until the female tires of the pursuit causing her to withdraw. Then a vast gulf exists between the husband and the wife, not because of personality flaws or spiritual weakness, but simply because of a basic gender difference which is perceived as a relational failure causing a seemingly insurmountable problem. When in fact, they are simply acting in accord with their created nature.
When the husband realizes that his wife pursues, not to pick a fight, but rather seeking connectedness; when the wife realizes that her husband withdraws from the problem, not from her; then unity can be restored.
These and other gender related differences may be the causative factors for as much as 85% of all marital difficulties.
